Phantom Pregnancy Pains

Pregnancy. Not my favourite thing in the world. But not terrible either. As pregnancies go, I think I had a pretty fantastic one. Aside from mild evening queasiness (made easy by living up the luxury of laying on the couch eating crackers and bell peppers and watching reality TV thanks to the fact that I had no other children), a trip to the doctor for what my neighbour/nurse thought could be appendicitis (why didn't anyone tell me about ligament pain!?), and some severe swelling for a couple of days (note to self: when 9 months pregnant, it is not advisable to cook in 100 degree weather + 90% humidity all day long with no air conditioning), I had it easy.

I felt great so I just kept working right up to my due date and every one of those 10 days I went overdue and even traveled at 39 weeks without one flight attendant batting an eye.

I loved the weekly updates and rejoiced when my baby grew past seeds and beans to fruits and finally to sporting equipment! And, oh, the feeling of those first flutters which eventually turned into feet in my ribs and thrilled not only me but also my husband, and even humoured colleagues as my belly would ripple during meetings.

I'm not sad to not be pregnant anymore. Of course, I'll be excited to be pregnant again one day - but mostly because I love babies.

In the mean time though, there are times when I feel little flutters and bumps inside my belly. Its almost as if my little man is still in there kicking and I have to stop and remember - no he's out now. I have never heard of phantom pregnancy pains, but I have heard of people who have lost limbs who can still feel pain. (So strange, by the way).

So, it begs the question - do I have an overactive imagination? Wishful thinking? Or am I in fact experiencing phantom pregnancy pains?

Happy to be holding my baby on the outside,

Dreaming Again

How does revelation come walking the aisles of Bunnings? There's something about the smell of saw dust that just makes the world okay for me.

It must be growing up the daughter of a contractor (who, ironically, ended up developing an allergy to saw dust and changed careers)... falling asleep on the construction site to a symphony of power tools while my 18 year old mother helped her new husband on the job...

Or the special memories of walking the aisles with my builder-turned-minister husband who can talk for hours about the physics of different types of hammers. And I'm not exaggerating.

Today as I walked those aisles, breathing deep and smiling at the elderly lady who had her arms full of a special project I could tell she was just itching to get started on, hoping that one day I could be just like her, I remembered the last time that I had walked those aisles.

It was the day that I had started labour and I remembered the very chair I sat in when I had the first long contraction that caused me to need to catch my breath. And the woman who looked at my sympathetically. And the shopkeeper who came to ask if I was okay as I laid my head on the little DIY table. And then the determination I had to suck it up and not show the pain when I realised that people saw there was "movement at the station." (I hated that phrase during the 10 days I was overdue, by the way.)

And while I enjoyed the memories that came flooding back - and the fact that there were special things about the day that made it so memorable that it would strike me in an ordinary moment like that, I also got a little bit sad.

Because if that day was the last day I was at Bunnings, that means that I haven't been to Bunnings in almost four months. And its one of my favourite places to be.

In that moment, I realised all over again just how much my life has changed in the past four months. There are the obvious changes - the weeks without sleep, the overflowing rubbish bins, the yellow poop stains on my favourite shorts, and the fact that my heart feels like it has tripled in size.

But its the subtle changes that surprised me... the fact that I had not had a moment to do one of my very favourite things in almost four months.

So as I walked the aisle today, holding the hand of my favourite man, as he pushed the pram holding our sleeping sweetheart, I relished in what it meant for my heart to dream again...

Planning the deck we could build on the back of our house, the dwarfed fruit trees (um, they have dwarf avacado trees now!? yes, please!) we would put on it and the friends we should share the fruits with... Calculating how many cold cokes we'd have to sell for a dollar to save the money to do it.

And picking out the new floor we could put down at our ministry centre so that our friends who have an Indigenous dance outreach could practice and the teenagers who need a safe place to hang out can dance their precious little hearts away... And feeling motivated again to get that grant application in to see it a reality.

Teasing. Laughing. Loving. Disliking. Problem Solving. Not having to use the toilet every 5 minutes.

It felt good to dream again.

Mother's Day Memories

It was this time last year that our little boy made his debut into the womb.

To give a bit of history, we had spent a few months not trying to not have a baby, but as we looked at the potential timing of a little one's arrival, we decided we would need to stop "not trying" for a few months so we could time things better. My husband had been away during my prime time of the month so I figured we were in the clear and we would start being "safe" when he returned.

So, when I went overseas to work with a developing nation on a strategy to help improve their health care, I didn't take any extra health precautions. That week was a strange one. I was SO emotional. Usually I am very on it and enjoying what I do, but I found myself very sensitive and out of it. I even cried!! I was sharing a room with a friend during our stay and she secretly wondered whether I was pregnant because I was so strange.

When I returned home from my trip I was having coffee with a girlfriend. I was telling her how emotional I'd been and wondering what was wrong with me and asking for her to pray for me. Our coffee date went on and we were getting ready to leave and I had a thought - "Hey, I'm late. Do you mind if I run in and grab a pregnancy test?"

I know, I know. Stupid. But I didn't even put two and two together with the emotions.

I got home and needed to pee so even though my husband was having a meeting with some colleagues in our living room, I decided to take the test.

Of course, it was positive. What in the WORLD do you do stuck in your bathroom with guests in the living room when you find out you're pregnant!? I just stayed calm, hid everything and went and joined them. It seemed like they were lingering (they probably were, we hang out a lot and normally I LOVE having them around!) But when they weren't showing any signs of leaving, I said something really rude. I said to my husband, "I really need to speak with you privately before dinner."

They definitely got the hint and as soon as they were out the door, I showed him the test. Of course, I had purchased the cheapest one in the shop and we were both really confused at how I could be preggers so we did the only thing a naive first time pregnant couple would do - go buy a second test! It was positive too and so began our journey...

And now, a year later, I am being celebrated as a mommy by my precious boy and his daddy.

Enjoying this day oh so much,